| dear xanga, i don't really use you all that much.. but i'm 21 now and thought that deserved an update.
love, kk |
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| I'm not sure where to begin here. My life is in shambles and I have no idea what the cause of it all is. I feel so mixed up, yet so sure of many other things. The feelings I had in mid-Fall semester are back. I am feeling overwhelmed. Buried is school work, drowning in the sea of pressure from my family to get a teaching certificate, trying to remain calm.
Scheduling is coming up quick and I still need to make definite schedule and figure out which summer courses I will take to stay on track. I have a ton of papers fast approaching and a whole bunch of other small assignments which I am trying to get ahead on. I am a chronic procrastinator and I can't seem to break this habit I have. But I really am trying.
My parents don't think I am making the right choices with school. They think that a degree is spanish is useless without a teaching certificate. I can't say it enough. I don't want to teach. It's my life. I can figure it out. There will be plenty of opportunities. As for my mother, I really need to talk to her about my life. I have been lying to her for far too long, and I think that adding extra worry to my daily life as well. I know how she'll react. That's why I am scared out of my mind. I need to do it, and do it soon.
I feel so lost. I was so sure I had things under control, and that just isn't the case anymore. Obviously. I feel so distant from everyone. And the one person I want closest is pushing me away for my own good.
I hate being away from her. She is so incredible. And I know she is just looking out for me by choosing to only see me on weekends. I need to use my time for school-related things. I have been horrible when I was around her lately. I have been tending to carry the stress of school and my family with me when I am with her. And this only adds stress to our relationship. It was so perfect in the beginning, and now..
this war I have with myself is getting bloody
and the tears are just adding salt to the wounds
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| This is to the one who has been by my side
the one who I let slip away
I'm sorry
and I miss you more and more with each passing day
I know I ruined everything
but please know that I want you in my life
and I can't stand not being near you
I want to call you everyday
but I know I can't
it's better this way
and I wish that wasn't the case
I miss you |
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then one day she looked around her
and everything up til then was showing
and she wondered how did I get here
without even knowing where I was going
now there's no getting out of this
and there is no going back
and it all seems so odd sometimes
and the odds all seem stacked
going once, going twice
sold to the girl
who ignored all the advice
of all the people who knew her better
she just stood there
on the front porch
waiting for her will
to come and get here
she was packed
she had a suitcase
full of noble intentions
she had a map
and a straight face
hell bent on reinvention
and she was ready
for the lonely
she was in it for
it only
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